I have a meet-and-greet no-obligations coffee date this week with a trans man, probably leading to him coming over this weekend if we hit it off in person. I’m a cis bi man, and I’ve never been with a trans man before. Obviously he and I are going to talk about mutual expectations and limits, safewords, etc. But are there any things that I should absolutely not do or say that are basically universal in the trans man experience? I want to get off on the right foot.
yeah so nothing is universal with trans people, so it’s always good to have a chat / bring up what you’re wondering before you bone
usually if I’m with someone new who is trans I like to ask what they like their bits called (maybe what some people might call a clit is actually a cock now for example) and what makes them feel best and most comfortable, anything that makes them feel uncomfortable etc. I think it’s also worth asking how they feel about their chest since lots of trans masc folks dislike it being touched or even having it bare.
might feel like an uncomfortable or awkward discussion, but personally one of the reasons I don’t like to fuck new cis people is because it always ends up with me having to lead a sex ed seminar, so it would probably be refreshing to have someone take the lead on respectful communication.
make no assumptions, tread politely, be a nice boy
hope you get strapped or whatever, godspeed soldier
I’m not a trans man myself, but I am trans, so any trans men here can correct me if I’m wrong. I’m gonna speak pretty broadly, though.
I’d think the rules would be very similar to how you treat anybody, be they cis or trans, and you seem to be a little knowledgeable on that, mentioning expectations, limits, safewords, etc.
When it comes to trans people in particular, regardless of gender, navigating dysphoria and avoiding things like transphobic or fetishizing sexual remarks that you might not be aware of will usually come to mind.
Yeah, it’s more the last part that I’m particularly worried about.
The best way to work through that is definitely communicate. While there are certainly near universal things to avoid like angel mentioned, trans people are all different in what we like and don’t like. If you still want more general advice you could try trans subs like r/ftm
As a trans man to the OP: Ask as things come up, even things like how genitals are referred to and whether they’re ok to involve in sex depends on person. One universal thing is to not misgender them if they don’t explicitly want you to.
Just don’t say anything weird about his balls bro
IIRC from the poll last month there aren’t really any trans men on this site, almost everyone here is AMAB. I think we might have exactly one?
almost everyone here is AMAB
We have a ton of nonbinary people on the site, why do you think you can (or should) make assumptions about our AGAB? The poll didn’t ask for that, it asked for pronouns and if people consider themselves trans. You can’t draw the kind of conclusion you’re making from these questions and frankly, cis people and binary trans people seriously need to STFU with their assumptions about which bullshit guess doctors made about us by taking a quick glance at our genitals when we were born.
Edit: I know i’m sounding confrontational here, but people just aren’t aware of how seriously enbiephobic this kind of shit is. AMAB and AFAB were coined as terms that highlight how arbitrary these assignments are, not as politically correct euphemisms for the gender essentialist, binary enforcing bs you’re doing there. Cis people should be extremely careful when using these terms, there’s basically no reason to outside of very limited medical contexts. They should especially not do ultra gross shit like equating cis men and trans women in the way you do, that’s so fucking yikes. And i’m not even getting into your erasure of nonbinary transmasc people. You need to do some serious self crit, comrade.
I think this is cis people just trying to find a roundabout way to ask about genitals (which are a given with cis people) and as you point out this is a terrible fucking idea
It’s so weird, too, i mean, what’s the point? Some of the most attractive people i’ve met where perfectly androgynous and with some of them i still have no idea what their AGAB is and if and in what direction they’re transitioning and that’s honestly part of the charm. I don’t need to know what it says on their birth certificate, mine says that i’m supposedly fucking tiny and weigh less than 4kg and that’s obviously complete and utter nonsense, why should the rest of what’s written on there have held up any better? Gender so easily turns into a trap, let people elude it if they want to.
[CW: Gender Essentialism/Binarism in the Form of Performative 'AMAB or AFAB?' Shit]
This is literally so damn true. I’m an androgynous-presenting AMAB enby and I recently met up with some IRL trans friends who know me as non-binary through our Florida-specific Discord server. One of them, in passing, found out that I’m AMAB because I said “I’m transfeminine” in some conversation one way or another, and they were shocked because they legitimately thought I was AFAB. As “yikes” of an assumption that is, it wasn’t in bad faith, and I think it definitely opened up this person to how little AGAB can mean in the grand scheme of things. Regardless, the “progressive” gender binary of replacing every instance of boy/male/man with AMAB and girl/female/woman with AFAB is toxic as hell. I’ve legitimately seen people say things like “Us AFABs need to stand up against AMABs to ensure our rights!” Now, THAT is a yikes moment.
more sorta off topic AMAB/AFAB essentialism
Local homeless services used to list trans people as “Trans Woman/MTF/AMAB”, “Trans man/FTM/AFAB”, or “Gender Non-Conforming” on all internal databases until very recently. I had to write the Joint Office many many letters and talk to many confused cis people about how unnecessary including AGAB was.
I am at the point now where I am actually questioning my orientation a bit given how attracted I am to androgynous people and anyone more feminine than that
I’m inexperienced anyway and never had any chance to experiment
@[email protected] here to serve
