Holy shit what is wrong with these people
He is immunocompromised and his doctors warned him that if he got sick again, it may complicate his autoimmune disease.
She talks about him the entire article as if the fear is all in his head and that it’s just a matter of balancing his fear with her ennui. She doesn’t have the same risks by compromising that he does, so you can’t just both-sides the situation.
Next NPR article: My husband is divorcing me for demonstrably caring so little about his health I wrote an article about it
Can you imagine? I would pack my bags and leave the second i saw this. It’s so cruel, so callous, so utterly lacking respect to shame your partner like this in front of the entire world.
I hate this shit so much. Weighing your creature comforts against the literal life or death of your family. Yeah, living with the horrible, horrible burden of chronic illness and vulnerability does suck, doesn’t it? It is limiting, you do miss out on so many things you wish you could do, it does crush you and grind you down and extinguish the joy in your life, doesn’t it! But you’re so lucky! You can leave whenever you want! You don’t have to live with chronic illness, you can just fuck off and be normal and not have to worry about any of it whenever you want!
I have type ii bipolar. I’ve spent decades fighting to survive horrific depression, isolation, anxiety. And i watched normal, neurotypical, healthy people crack after a couple of weeks of half assed quarantines. “If you had what I had you’d be dead”. And now when they’ve all given up and embraced the plague i get rolled eyes and scowls and pitying looks from people. Well fuck all of them! Covid causes many of the same neurological conditions as bipolar and adhd - brain fog, executive dysfunction, fatigue, malaise. I haven’t fought like hell and suffered pain worse than death year after year to just give up and let this fucking virus destroy what’s left of my brain because people want to eat shitty diner food or watch some capeshit movie in theaters.
I’ve survived things that would have killed most of them a hundred times over and i’m going to keep surviving. Wearing a damn mask is nothing compared to taking a fist full of pills every day that fuck with my stomach and make me shit weird and forget to eat and throw me between extreme cognitive states of focus and disfunction! Avoiding crowds? I spent almost a year once only leaving the house at night because i was so wracked with depression and anxiety and i was terrified someone would see me as a dangerous crazy man and call the cops!
I’ve been in much worse places than this, and i lived, and i’m going to continue to live, and i’ve seen what’s in the heart of all these people who don’t believe in death, who don’t believe it could happen to them, who won’t make sacrifices for the people they love.
I haven’t fought like hell and suffered pain worse than death year after year to just give up and let this fucking virus destroy what’s left of my brain because people want to eat shitty diner food or watch some capeshit movie in theaters.
Yeah, this attitude is why it’s disgustingly common for people who become disabled to end up abandoned by friends and family.
It’s really got me thinking of the horrific statistics of how many people, especially men, ditch their spouses when their spouse becomes terminally ill.
This article boils my blood, wow. Every paragraph is basically “My husband is completely rational and grounded in his desire to not be crushed under the wheels of capital and submit himself to long term neurological degradation so he can consooooom, but Kilemal Pathogenson from [respected institution] says COVID can be good for our marriage. This is a tough situation for us.”
Kilemal Pathogenson lmao
I was considering changing it because it does sound a little like made up name a racist would use, but it was too good to discard.
I have a degree in counseling from the University of Buenos Aires, and I say Kilemal!
Seemed to me like an article written by someone struggling with the mental health burden placed on her by her husband’s autoimmune disorder.
It seems callous to disregard her needs as any less valid than this. She’s clearly struggling through how to handle and balance them.
I mean I won’t go so far as to say she has no valid needs/concerns here, but like, they’re on different levels. One could have severe health complications if their vigilance slips, the other wants to eat indoors at restaurants and host parties. I get that there are serious legitimate social needs people have, but I don’t think these are equally important.
The only remotely “unreasonable” thing they mention on his side is “wearing a mask outdoors when nobody is around”, which doesn’t affect anyone but himself or prevent any socializing… You can’t just “compromise” on infection-prevention measures, because you don’t get half as sick if you get covid from dining in at a restaurant when it’s not very busy vs when it’s busy, you just get sick either way and risk major complications. And the fact that it’s being published in a national publication definitely makes it feel worse, to me anyhow.
This seems like an extreme minimization and dismissal of mental health to say it can’t have severe health complications.
I hoped it was clear that wasn’t what I was saying. Of course mental health issues can be a serious health concern with serious complications and consequences. But this writer doesn’t present it in those terms, and I would say that at least in this specific case, she isn’t experiencing anything with a risk of severe health issues. She wants a return to a normalcy that she knows he can’t give without severe risk of harm.
They’re about to have a child.
Do you think she will be able to raise a well-adjusted child if that child can only ever interact with other children through a screen or outdoors? Her husband’s need necessitate home-schooling or remote learning, and severely restrict the child’s opportunities for socialization.
Her husband’s needs and the needs of their future child are on a collision course right now. I consider that a severe complication.
again, not how the author frames it at all, though certainly possible for that to be an issue in the abstract. But I think it is reasonable to expect, if that were the main issue, it might be mentioned in the article, whatsoever
but in the article, it is implied the child has already been born, 1-2 years ago, and yet the author explicitly frames the conflict here in terms of her desire to return to normal. There is no mention of homeschooling or the child at all besides the pregnancy and that he went along on the vacation discussed in the last paragraph. I don’t think those would be unreasonable concerns, but they are your concerns, not those of the author. For all we know they’ve already worked out an amenable solution to the kid’s schooling and it isn’t a source of conflict at all.
Their child would probably appreciate a dad who’s healthy and alive, and doesn’t have to quarantine from them
Or being healthy and alive themselves. Covid can get kids too.
Do you think she will be able to raise a well-adjusted child if that child can only ever interact with other children through a screen or outdoors?
I mean I think the kid would have a tougher time at life if they were to find out that their immunocompromised dad were to die because their mom valued treats and trips to Dubai over the health of her husband.
There’s lots of ways to modify the way you socialize (which she even goes over in the article) to accommodate for an immunocompromised spouse. If she isn’t willing to keep doing it for whatever reason that’s a separate problem.
It doesn’t seem like a separate problem. It seems like the modifications are not sufficient to meet her needs.
Did you write this article or what?
lol
You should read this article that was written in response to the OP. Yes, obviously this writer’s own feelings are valid and it’s not fair that we all need to put our lives on hold because our government decided to prioritize capital over human lives. That’s obviously not her fault, and maybe I’m part of the problem by going hard on her when the issue is bigger than an NPR problem. But merely the decision to frame this, and publish this, as an interpersonal or marital issue when it’s a political issue of denying disabled people their right to live their lives in public, is completely myopic and says a lot about how libertarian NPR is.
What are her needs? To spread covid to her husband and child and everyone around her so that she can take a trip to Dubai? Having to be covid cautious in the year 2024 when most of the world has gone “back to normal” is something a lot of people are dealing with right now, many with far less resources and far less ability than this woman. These people are disabled, immunocompromised, many have long covid - they are doing this out of necessity. So, I’m sorry, I have very little sympathy for this woman. I’m not saying it’s an easy, simple thing to do, to remain covid cautious in the year 2024, but if she won’t take covid precautions to protect herself and her child, she should at least have solidarity with her husband and the many like him. Instead she wants to meet in the middle, as if her needs are in any way comparable to his. One person wants to go to Dubai, the other person wants to not die.
I don’t want to chalk all her needs up to “a trip to Dubai” though. She does have valid needs, you’re right, remaining covid cautious these days is very difficult. One current running through this article I think is the need for social interaction. But throughout this article she desires to fulfill those needs by kicking those who have already been abandoned by our public institutions; by forcing her husband into dangerous situations and really in effect by joining with bourgeois interests in dismantling public health and letting a large part of the world just whither away and die as they succumb to this virus. What she needs to do is realize the only way she can fulfill her needs is through solidarity with her husband and the disabled and immunocompromised; by fighting for public health and a world where these people are not abandoned.
It’s undeniable that there is a burden placed on a partner in a relationship where one party has a chronic condition
However
It is beyond inexcusable to air that shit out in public on one of the largest media platforms in the United States. If she wanted to write it on a small personal blog, or anonymously post about it on Twitter or something, I get it - we all gotta vent sometimes - but to write an article for NPR about how bad she feels because her husband has a chronic condition is peak ghoulishness. You think the husband wanted anything to do with this? You think he wanted to be called out publicly as being a paranoid overreactor (her implication, not mine)? Fuck no
100% this. Being a friend, partner, or family member of a chronically ill person, if you choose to actually support and aid and cherish them, is almost always a mental health burden. It hurts, it’s difficult. That’s legitimate and valid, and people who are supporting chronically ill people do deserve support and consideration and understanding. They’re human, they’re vulnerable to stress and depression. But not like this.
You’re absolutely right, however an national publication is not where a partner should be blowing steam. This shit should be in a diary for her to process and then discuss with her husband.
I think she’s probably experiencing something a lot of people are also experiencing and attempted to collect a lot of the current scholarship on how to deal with it. This article seems like it would be helpful for people in her situation.
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All this leaves me feeling torn between two emotions. I want to keep my husband safe and healthy. But I also want our old life back.
It’s her husband, what the hell happened to “in sickness and in health”, did she forget about that vow? Does marriage even mean anything to people anymore? Her “old life” is not going to come back anytime soon, he husband is immunocompromised. That’s never going to change. Support your life partner, as you promised to do so on the day you got married. Those vows are supposed to mean something, they’re not supposed to be empty words. You’re supposed to stick together and support each other through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health as I already said.
But my feelings as his spouse are valid too, says James C. Jackson, a neuropsychologist at Vanderbilt University and author of Clearing the Fog: From Surviving to Thriving with Long COVID, A Practical Guide.
Okay the rest of the article, which is the vast majority of it, is just promotion of this guy’s book and methods, the article is not worth reading, it’s extremely basic relationship advice such as compromising with your partner, and not to gaslight your partner about long COVID. Again, basic empathetic human behaviour.
In January, we flew halfway across the world to visit family in Dubai. At first, I thought that the stringent COVID precautions he was taking to protect himself on the airplane were over the top. In addition to wearing an N95 mask for 13 straight hours, he kept a personal air purifier at his seat at all times. But now I can see those actions for what they are. He was doing everything he could to make the trip work. In his way, he wanted to see me happy.
Stick to those last few sentences and ignore the rest. The guy is doing the best he can to try to make things work. This isn’t some malicious thing. Recognise that and continue to try to make things work together.
All in all, this is a clickbait article to advertise some phycologist’s book and methods, and the wife is not as bad as the introduction makes it seem. Don’t know how such blatant promotion is allowed on NPR though, isn’t that meant to be state funded media?
One of the reasons I never finished my psych degree was the sheer level of con-artistry on display in the profession. It’s fucked up how so many psychologists will just peddle bullshit self-help books that they know are actively going to encourage toxic behaviour in people. Psychology under capitalism is rotted and broken.
It’s awful. There just aren’t any standards. Almost all the modalities are nonsense. I mostly keep going to therapy because it’s a concrete action I can do to prove to myself that I’m still fighting. Most of the time it’s just me talking about my problems to someone who can’t hang up for an hour.
It is awful! Therapists can be very hit or miss. Sometimes they’re little more than a sounding board for you to voice your own concerns and worries towards (Which can help, depending on what you need), sometimes they just have a magical “cure all” solution to problems (I once had a therapist who recommended exercise as a solution to my depression, which shockingly enough, didn’t help me when I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed.)
Sometimes you can get a good therapist who can offer helpful coping mechanisms for your situation, but a lot of them can sometimes kind of feel like they’re only there for the paycheck. The best therapist I ever had was a volunteer who wasn’t getting paid, because they at least felt genuine (they were a bit “unprofessional” at times, like crying during our sessions sometimes, but that just made it feel like they genuinely were trying to help me).
This sounds like the generic “shop around” advice that you’ve probably already heard a million times before though. Though as you’ve found out, sometimes the act of going to therapy itself is the therapeutic part, proving to yourself that you can push through things.
I thought that the stringent COVID precautions he was taking to protect himself on the airplane were over the top. In addition to wearing an N95 mask for 13 straight hours, he kept a personal air purifier at his seat at all times.
I’d be wearing a fucking full face respirator complete with two huge filters sticking out if I was immuno-compromised and you asked me to sit in a small metal tube with a couple hundred other people for 13 hours. If people don’t think I’m Bane, I haven’t gone far enough.
And the thing is, even if COVID magically goes away, the guy is still immunocompromised. Illnesses like the flu and common cold can still make him seriously ill. His life has permanently changed.
I literally do.
And then I tell people, with a shit eating grin, that the respirator is more comfortable than N95s because the weight is distributed across your head and the massive filter area and outflow valve don’t trap moisture.
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Yes i put a small camera in it and wear a monitor on my head called grin-o-vision
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Don’t know how such blatant promotion is allowed on NPR though, isn’t that meant to be state funded media?
Look up the song Utah Phillips wrote about npr
Unpacking anxiety
I told Jackson that I want to be more supportive and empathetic to my husband’s needs. But sometimes it is tricky to parse out what is a valid health concern and what might be anxiety.
The reality is that if he gets COVID again, he could get really sick
…?
I guess she believes her husband’s autoimmune disorder is a skill issue?
Anxiety? Whoa there, that wasn’t part of the marriage contract.
…was it?
In January, we flew halfway across the world to visit family in Dubai.
There it is. Why are your family members living in a semi-slave state? The class distinctions reveal themselves.
Dude spent 13 hours in the plague tube, protected only by an N95, for her. But that’s not enough. I wear a full face respirator now if I can’t avoid flying. Total coverage, P100 filters, and a big fucking Hamsa sticker because I know all those assholes are giving me the evil eye and I am armored by my absolute contempt for them.
Before coming to NPR in 2015, Gharib worked at the Malala Fund, a global education charity founded by Malala Yousafzai, and the ONE Campaign, an anti-poverty advocacy group founded by Bono. She graduated from Syracuse University with a dual degree in journalism and marketing.
NGO shitlib imperialism once again.
This article was posted on the husband’s birthday. He’s been liking replies supporting him on Twitter. This is a form of abuse and I hope he leaves.
So his wife used his illness and birthday to promote someone’s crappy book on NPR?
Poor guy
Yeah, it seems truly awful. Hopefully his real birthday gift is getting to see that thousands of strangers think he deserves so much better than this.
Get a load of her husband over there, thinking his life is worth more than some mediocre waffles at a cafe with plastic flowers on the wall.
But is life whithout brunch really worth living?
I’m here to ask you to face the wall and to serve brunch
and I’m all out of brunch
Posted this to a family chat with people who have expressed their vibes getting ruined by the covid caution of me and my partner and how they dislike the way it makes them feel guilty when we ask them not to show up to family gatherings while sick. Family members who gave us covid by showing up for Christmas dinner visibly sick.
Our long covid symptoms have gotten so much worse from it, I spend my days with debilitating nausea currently. My partner is even higher risk and I was given this exact line: “While I get your need to protect you partnet, I feel your “fear of the virus” is ruining these family gatherings”. All I asked for was to make sure nobody comes to a gathering sick.
Also from first generation Filipino Egyptian American Malaka Gharib: Watching war unfold is distressing — here’s how to protect your mental health
the libs are not alright
I linked an article on the covid community that’s a rebuttal to this article. Highly recommend reading that.
Seconded, it’s really good. I felt pretty down after this NPR piece (I have long covid myself) and the Gauntlet article was like a breath of fresh air. It is a relief to see reality so plainly stated.
I felt the same way, but from the perspective of a disabled person that knew I’d be beyond my limits if long covid got added on top. Well, that and being immunocompromised. It’s always good to know others understand the struggle and specifically how heartbreaking it is to have family/friends treat us like we’ve lost it.
I’m in a similar place. Bipolar causes brain fog, executive dysfunction, and other debilitating cognitive symptoms. long covid can cause many of the same symptoms. With the two compounded I would have no quality of life left, so I’m still diligently wearing a mask long after society has given up. The looks i get from family, from my therapist, it’s enraging.
same but it’s migraines for me. they get much worse after covid exposure. I straight up do not care what dirty looks I get. I cannot get covid again (I can’t even get vaccinated because those also trigger the migraines). anyone who lives with me must wear masks in public or they can gtfo. anyone who gives me a dirty look can get fucked.
I’m not risking worse disability for the sake of some stranger or even a friend. the last exposure a few months ago has me projectile vomiting during migraines and the vertigo is now so intense I fall when I’m sitting. I’m going to start breaking bones at this rate. I don’t know where the floor is - I can’t even walk with a walker. I need a wheelchair to go to the doctor because the physical stress of walking around is enough to trigger a migraine.
and all this despite the fact that I was doing so much better. I was totally migraine free for literal months. you respect my health or you can gtfo out of my life.
I’m very sorry. Not that it’s much, but you have my solidarity.
Sometimes solidarity is what we’ve got. History isn’t over yet, we’ve got a long way to go, some of us are going to figure something out sooner or later.
Seems obvious to me that this married couple should be neither married nor a couple. He doesn’t want to die of COVID, she wants to party which is her prerogative. Just divorce and move on.
Death
