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Remember, George Washington’s false teeth weren’t wooden, they were looted from dead slave’s bodies.
Also, fun fact: James Madison (who was the fourth president and wrote the American Constitution) had a black son who he owned as a slave, and who was the result of him raping his own half-black sister, who he also owned as a slave.
Holy shit, this is a new fave website. The reviews are savage beyond belief.
Crimson Gold Apple
“A crabapple in disguise”. 31 points, “Horse food” tier
These little shits are glorified crabapples masquerading as edible fruit and should not be tolerated outside of cider production and pretentious baking applications. Each minuscule bite of these filthy monkey cheeks explode with an intense yet somehow dry flavor combination that will make you want to spontaneously vomit. Do not be fooled by this repackaged trash, Crimson Gold is just a misleading name slapped on a swollen testicle.
holy shit i am crying in the break room right now
My girlfriend and I have been howling for like half an hour at this site.
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Sweetango
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Honeycrisp
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Kanzi
I trust their judgement. That’s the right order.
new struggle session dropped!It’s even got some sectarianism for us to enjoy https://applerankings.com/pink-pearl-apple-review/
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Last I checked they’re still only being sold in the Northwestern US. I visited someone in Minneapolis last year and brought them some Cosmic Crisps because they couldn’t get them though
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They’re sold in the Midwest and South as well. Their whole claim to fame is their absurd shelf stability, they can be shipped anywhere, but I guess not everyone wants to carry them yet.
They’re just not on the same level as a SweeTango though. Also force-FOSS food for fuck’s sake you actually go to hell if you sell proprietary apples.
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Cosmic Crisp: 74. “The most overhyped apple of all time”
oh these are some fucking fighting wordsThere are better tasting apples, but there aren’t any better tasting apples with anywhere near the same shelf life. As someone who eats maybe an apple or two a week this is an important consideration.
It’s a good apple and I think they’re not being entirely fair, but the skin is worse than Honeycrisp.
The Red Delicious is “A baseball glove filled with coffee grounds”. That is correct.
Thank you both, this is amazing.
I gotta say they are spot on with the so-called “Red Delicious” apple. Every one of those apples looks and tastes like meal covered in wax.
“Red Delicious” were a triumph of labeling and marketing, much like LLMs being called “AIs” and shoving people out of work while doing shittier jobs.
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I don’t think that’s quite it. Originally they were supposed to actually be really good and really pretty - they only turned to shit as they got bred for other considerations. They got way worse than people remembered.
So bad that the state of Texas standardized test had a passage about a Chinese person in China who saw how good they look but it was way too expensive to get one, but when they finally did, it tasted horrible…
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Shelf stable in a way where they won’t take that much worse than when they’re fresh off the tree.
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Partially hydrogenated soybean oil slowly sickened and prematurely killed generations of people because it was shelf stable, too.
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Holy shit this is great
The Autumn Glory " Well, science has finally created an apple that tastes like the spit in your mouth right before you vomit. This fever dream of a deranged Washingtonian scientist is shielded by a clever name and shifty marketing team who carelessly toss around manufactured flavor notes such as “caramel”, “warm cider”, and “subtle cinnamon.” But, make no mistake, this pee-stained lump-fruit tastes less like cider and cinnamon and more like a urine-soaked gas station bathroom floor that someone accidentally spilled cinnamon on. Which makes this apple less Autumn Glory more Autumn Glory Hole.
That being said, this nasty piss floor of an apple does have the benefit of tasting unique. And while it certainly won’t be for everyone, there are an adventurous few who may actually enjoy a walk on the wild side. "
- Well, science has finally created an apple that tastes like the spit in your mouth right before you vomit.
- This fever dream of a deranged Washingtonian scientist is shielded by a clever name and shifty marketing team who carelessly toss around manufactured flavor notes such as “caramel”, “warm cider”, and “subtle cinnamon.”
- But, make no mistake, this pee-stained lump-fruit tastes less like cider and cinnamon and more like a urine-soaked gas station bathroom floor that someone accidentally spilled cinnamon on. Which makes this apple less Autumn Glory more Autumn Glory Hole.
- That being said, this nasty piss floor of an apple does have the benefit of tasting unique.
- And while it certainly won’t be for everyone, there are an adventurous few who may actually enjoy a walk on the wild side.I kinda pity the person who had real life experiences to even think about those particular metaphors.
Uh yeah, of course they loved that apple. Dude said it himself, it’s useful for.making cider. What did he think they were eating them? Those dudes were drunk as hell.
However, Juicy Fruit may be a more appropriate label than Ludacrisp since while this apple is only moderately crispy, it is, in fact, ludicrously juicy. As juicy as a ho’s ass – as Luda might say.
Okay I love it.
https://applerankings.com/opal-apple-review/ This one is pretty good.
What’s all this apple ranking? We already have the perfect apple, Granny Smith.
Cheap, lasts awhile, good tasting, crunchy af, not unsettlingly sweet, and great for baking.
Here’s the site’s reaction to that:
The reviewer needs to floss more if eating an apple makes their gums bleed.
Lot of shit talking for an apple ranked #2, #1 being a brand that’s not available anywhere.
#2 as far as sour apples go, if you want specifically a sour apple. There’s just not really any good sour apples available, or at least not on the level of Honeycrisp and its varieties.
Same love them
Candy Crisp Apple Review “A Pear-Cucked Red Delicious” https://applerankings.com/candy-crisp-apple-review/
Pink Lady is my jam.
fuck yeah you get it
this is actually an applerankings.com fan site
Sand filled condom
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it’s halloween. we’re bobbing for the apples.
You get dunked on for being an applehead… come on, what did you think a dunk tank was for?
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Communism is when no iPhone, and Apple is iPhone, ergo communism is when no Apple
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