1. Even though you’re in the top 0.1%, under no circumstances should you hire a hitman.

  2. Have some elaborate and complicated plan to create an alibi. It should involve changed clocks around or having everyone think you’re there when you’re really not. The more intricate your alibi plan is, the better. All of those 30 steps in your plan will go perfectly.

  3. You’re gonna kill the closest person to you, either your spouse, your parent, or your best friend.

  4. Spend under 5 seconds feeling sad that the closest person to you is now dead. Get back to what you were doing before the murder. Let everyone know that you’re a happier version of yourself before that person died.

  5. Befriend in the warmest possible way the head investigator for the murder you just did. Let the guy into your home and offer him any courtesy and assistance that you can provide. Let him get cigar ash all over your personal space.

  6. Let the police search your home at all hours. Never insist on a warrant. Talk to the cops like you would your family. Never demand your right to have a lawyer present.

  7. After the homicide department has discovered a few inconsistencies in your story, just confess the murder immediately. Accept that you’ll spend the rest of your life in jail, there’s not point in fighting.

  8. Look that pig in the eye that got you a long jail sentence with profound love

Sorry I just binge watched seasons 1-5

  • 30_to_50_Feral_PAWGs [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    29 days ago

    When in doubt, train your dogs to go into a killing frenzy when hearing Orson Welles quotes. Or get extremely handsy with Robert Vaughn in the front seat of your Peugeot before repeatedly shouting, “THE COMMODORE’S WATCH” at a room full of people. Or prevent the IRA from taking out Thatcher distress

    THE COMMODORE'S WATCH!!!

    Yes, I realize that was a Patrick McGoohan directorial guest spot where he decided to do an avant garde thing and throw the usual formula out the window for shits, giggles, and love of alcoholism. It’s about as close as you can get to doing a parody without it being an actual parody; it’s the Cinderella “Night Songs” album of Columbo episodes.

    Edit: and if you’re Dr. Spock, don’t spare the tire iron