Dank je wel! :-)

Dank je wel voor het lieve bericht! Ik ga soms naar de kinderboerderij, dat is volgens mij een beetje hetzelfde. Meestal probeer ik mijn neefje ofzo mee te nemen, maar soms ga ik ook gewoon. Dat is eigenlijk een beetje hetzelfde. :-)

Thank you for the kind message. It is good to hear that it is possible to have it great even after a miscarriage. I have had two miscarriages and two biochemical pregnancies. I did not really have time tomprocess this yet, as I had to continue treatment as my fertility is further declining due to my age. I think that might be part of the emotions as well.

It is difficult for me to not wager my personal happiness on it. I have a small nephew and when I take care of him, it just makes me very happy. It makes me feel like I would be as happy or even happier with my own child. Also, I was abused as a child and I feel that I did not have parents that really loved me. It feel unfair that I am not able to experience the mother/child bond from the perspectives of a child as well as that of a motger.

I also tried to take care of my younger siblings when I was a child. I was able to provide them with some of the emotional support my parents failed to provide, but because I was too young myself I always felt like I was not able to give them what they need. I am an adult now and I feel like I am capable now of providing children with a safe and warm environment. And I feel like I have all this love to give, but there is no child to give it to. I do not know where to put it.

I don’t know. Having a child will not fix all of this and a child does not exist to fix this or to make me happy. However, it could have been an area of my life that could have been beautiful and where I might have been able to give something and be valuable. And instead, this also does not work out and is another thing that goes on the pile of things that have failed in my life.

I agree that staking my life’s success on it is not a good idea. But I am not sure what else I have left. I am trying to become a writer and I am writing down all my experiences from my youth and with my sister who passed away and my fertility treatments, and so on. Maybe it can help some people who experience the same things. I think that might be fulfilling maybe and a way to create something positive out of the things that feel negative now.

Sad and empty. I love kids. I had fertility treatments for years, but that did not work out. I will start IVF again in a couple of days. Hopefully it will work this time. It is one of my last chances.

I would like to adopt or have foster kids. However, I suffer from PTSD and in my country it is very difficult to adopt or foster if you have a background with mental illness. Even though my psychologist and the people in my environment all say that they think I would be able to do it and my partner does not have any mental illness, my chances are very low.

To be honest, looking any further than the next IVF makes me panic. I do not know how to live with not having kids and how to deal with that. I had a lot of bad stuff happen to me. Having children would be something I believe would have made me very happy. It feels like I failed at life. However, I just turned 40, so I know I need to give up at some point.

Not really. Most of us start learning it in elementary school, so you kind of grow up with it.

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Ik snap de grap niet

This person has not responded yet and I do not know the situation locally, but they might mean a counselor or someone like that. Usually colleges have therapists available for students. It might not be the case that they have the right expertise for this, but they can help you find someone that is right for this situation as well. So that might be a good starting point. If that does not work, you can just search a therapist online and contact them.

In case of sexual abuse, you could also go to hospital or a doctor there and they should be able to help you as well and treat any physical wounds also. However, I am not sure how that works where you live.

So, I think the first best step is to see whether there is a therapist at your college and contact them. If that does not work, just search online for other therapists. If there is physical harm, go to a doctor or hospital. Does that help?

No problem. I hope it will work out for you and your friend. It might be difficult, but it is possible to heal from almost anything with the right help and a space to feel safe.

I have never been to the US, so I have no idea whether it is good to contact authorities. I hope someone else will answer that question.

I am happy for your friend that they have you to support them. I think the fact that you are there for them and that you listen to them is very important and helpful, especially the listening part. You need to focus on making your friend feel save.

In addition, I think this situation requires also some professional help. It sounds very serious and complex and not something the both of you can just solve by yourselves. I think an important thing you can do for your friend is to get them to a therapist or other professional who can treat them and find a way out of this situation. It is the same as when you break a leg or something like that. In a situation with physical trauma, you need a friend to support you and help you deal with it. But you also need a doctor to fix it. It is the same with psychological trauma. So, please get your friend professional help.

I am sorry you feel like this. I have been through a lot, so I know the feeling of wanting to give up very well. All I can say is that I am really glad I never actually completely gave up. Giving up will not make you feel better.

I am not sure whether you are angry, you sound angry. So, do what you have to do to deal with this feeling. Screaming in my car and punching a pillow works for me. And then think about why things are not working the way you want it and try something new.

Yes, definitely. I think a lot of the effort to develop technologies that are used for things such as more effective advertisements etc. should be redirected towards developing technologies that help humanity. However, it ys difficult to get there.

I myself spend a lot of effort and time on getting grants to research this kind of technology and it is almost impossible to do so. I am now looking for ways to make enough money so I can take time off and do it in my own time. Each time we get the reply that the ideas are great, but we get rejected for political reasons (e.g., we did not obtain enough money from business, our partners are too much from the same region). It is really frustrating.

Maybe the not knowing what will happen exactly is the most scary part. It also seems to be more and more inevitable. I feel like curling up into a ball and crying too. And that is fine sometimes I think. Sometimes you need to do that for a while.

But after that, we should get up. We should not lose our will to fight and deal with this. Whatever happens, everyone, ordinary people, can still fight to keep their compassion and humanity. I think that is how we can survive the most difficult circumstances.

I think as a species, that is why we were initially so successful, because we were able to cooperate, share and take care of each other. I think things are going wrong now because we, and especially the people in power, have lost that. It is not part of the capitalistic model. People treated with compassion will usually be more compassionate. Radical compassion, even when it is difficult, will lead to the collapse of this model and our survival.

I have a mother who used to act like she hated me a significant amount of time until a few years ago. I have a father who does not think I am that important. I used to think both of my parents hate me, or did not love me at least. I now have a more nuanced view of that. They are just people who are very damaged and almost handicapped in certain aspects. In any case, I think I might be able to understand your situation at least a little bit.

For me the most difficult part was not deciding whether to keep in touch with them or not. I mean, that is a very difficult decision and if your father is still hurting you, you should protect yourself. However, for me the most difficult thing is dealing with the damage.

I am not sure if this damaged you in the same way it damaged me. But if it did, I want to tell you that it is not your fault. Your father acting like he hates you is not because of anything you did and certainly not because of who you are. It is because of who he is.

A lot of children who are not loved or who are even hated by their parents think it is their fault. They think something is wrong with them and they deserve it. I mean, that makes sense, right? If it is your fault, then at least the world still is a fair place. And if something happens to a bad person you do not need to be compassionate, so you do not have to deal with any pain you are too little to be able to deal with. Also, you depend on your parents, so you cannot get too mad at them or leave. From the logic of a child, this makes sense.

And it works, it helps you survive. But once you get older, you keep thinking in the same way. You have a very low opinion of yourself and feel like there is something wrong with you or as if you are worthless. And to keep living in this way is familiar, you know you can survive that. You do not know whether you can survive the pain you suppressed all those years. Or it might still be so suppressed that you cannot even feel it. Until one day, it becomes too much and you start thinking that you might want a different life. You might not just want to survive, but actually live.

You do not discuss your mother. If you have a mother that was able to show you love, that might have had a protective effect. I hope so. But if you recognise this story in any way at all. I think it is import for you to know that it is not about accepting that your father hates you. It is about accepting that you are someone that did not deserve this. And that is very painful, but going through the pain of it, is the only way not to feel that anymore. It will free you from it and enable you to live more than survive.

It is a very difficult thing to do. I myself have not yet been able to go through the pain fully. It often feels too overwhelming, too much. However, after each small step I make, I already feel a little bit more free. I really think this is the way to cope with it. At least for me. It might help you as well maybe if you have similar feelings.

Edit to say that therapy can help a lot with this process. Others have said this as well, but I agree with them.

I have this and I have CPTSD. However, I am sure that there can be other causes as well.

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I can understand that it feels that this is the maximum you can cope with. But as long as you keep breathing, you still exist and you can cope. I can promise you that if you go through it instead of around it, it will get better. I cannot promise you exactly when or how high the peaks will be, but I can promise you that as long as you keep breathing you can cope.

My little sister died from anorexia, I had a miscarriage, my parents emotionally neglected and emotionally abused me as a child and several other traumatising stuff happened. I know pain. I do not underestimate yours. But this is how I dealt with it and I think it will help you too.

I sincerely feel for you. But the pain has a function. You need it to process and you need to feel it to eventually be able to make a new and happy life for yourself. Just keep breathing and go through the waves. I know you can do it.

Don’t drink. Cry. It sounds stupid, bit crying out all the pain might help. Do not run from it. Go through it and cry again if you need to. If you can do so safely, drive and scream in the car. Or break some stuff that you do not need anymore (like plates or something).

I have been through some traumatising stuff and the only thing that helps is not to run, but to go through it. I promise you, there will be a peak in pain and then it will reduce and the next peak will be less severe. This will go on and the pain will become less and less. As long as you keep breathing, you can handle it.

Me too.

Maybe you are distracting yourself from something?