Hi,

It’s my first time posting here, but I’m a longtime lurker from my now-abandoned lemmy.world account. So, here’s goes…

I’ve been feeling kind of stuck in my life, and wanted to see if any comrades had experienced anything similar or know folks who have. My main difficulty is that I only realized and accepted that I’m bi after my wife was pregnant. This is a problem for me because my wife is strictly monogamous. When we last discussed things, she flat out said that she couldn’t accept me being with anyone else, even if the relationship was strictly sexual.

And I’m torn here. On the one hand, I love my wife very deeply and absolutely don’t want to lose her. We’ve been together more than ten years, and she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. On the other hand, I have this nagging feeling that a big part of me is going unexplored and undeveloped, to the point I find myself inexplicably mad at my wife sometimes - I guess because I blame her for not “letting” me explore this other side of me.

And about feeling stuck, I know I need to tell her how important this is to me, and to ask again if there’s any way at all we can deal with it together. But when we’ve discussed it previously, multiple times, I dealt with it poorly and hurt her very badly. I just don’t know if she can take another round of the same damn thing, and I’m very reluctant to try and have it turn out badly yet again.

Again, I’d especially appreciate hearing from folks who’ve been through similar situations, or at least know people who have.

  • AutomatedPossum [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    36·
    9 months ago

    You can’t talk people who aren’t down for that kind of thing into ethical nonmonogamy. That just doesn’t work. Trying it repeatedly is already bad enough, don’t go for another round of this.

    I also think the whole “i would keep other relationships entirely sexual” thing would be a really bad start. A lot of poly people consider it a red flag when somebody wants to date them under that kind of premise, knowing that they’re intended as a side gig to a serious relationship. What if they develop feelings for you? What if you develop feelings for them?

    Also, the idea that bi people “need to explore” and can’t be in a monogamous relationship is a really shitty biphobic stereotype, honestly makes this entire post come off as a poorly thought out troll. You do not have to sleep with every gender you’re attracted to to understand your sexuality.

    • bicuriousButters [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      5·
      9 months ago

      Thanks for this, it means a lot. I also have felt like there’s no talking her into any kind of ethical nonmonogamy. If she was open to it at all, she would have said so before, right? Revisiting the topic will only open old wounds.

      That said, I still don’t know what to do with the feelings I have. I’ve been attracted to others in the past, sometimes very strongly, and it will probably happen again. And not acting on those feelings at all (or not even expressing them) feels like I’m suppressing that part of myself. That’s what I think I’m really struggling with.

      • eight [it/its]@hexbear.netEnglish
        15·
        9 months ago

        how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife? what you do there should translate exactly to what you do with how you feel about attractive men

        bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men. that’s also if you’re okay with her talking about being attracted to men who aren’t you which I assume you’d be open to given your stance on non-monogamy.

        • bicuriousButters [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
          3·
          9 months ago

          how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife?

          I acknowledge the feelings, but often feel frustrated that I can’t act on them. I unfortunately had very little sexual experience with other women before my wife.

          bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men.

          this is a bit of a tricky one for us…she’s fine telling me when she thinks other guys are cute or hot, but only because she’s never been strongly attracted to anyone else…whereas if I mention finding a guy cute, the next question would be “do you want to sleep with them?”, and any answer other than “no, not at all” will end up hurting her.

      • Doubledee [comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        8·
        9 months ago

        Yeah I won’t dogpile here but when you commit to monogamy with someone you are agreeing to suppressing certain desires you might have down the line. That certainly appears to be how she understood your commitment to her. Even with my spouse there are things I do not ask for or expect because I know they do not like those things.

        I sympathize with feeling like you didn’t get to explore your sexuality, I was raised by fundamentalists, there are things I will not get to know about my sexuality most likely. But my life is so enriched by my marriage I cannot imagine exchanging it for the chance to explore myself further. I suspect, since you voluntarily started the process of making a family with your wife, that you get a lot of joy out of your relationship as well. Sometimes relationships require that we accept some limits on what we do.

        Or maybe I have a quaint view of these things because of my upbringing, but that’s my thought for what it’s worth.

        Wishing you best of luck with a tough time comrade.