Hi,
It’s my first time posting here, but I’m a longtime lurker from my now-abandoned lemmy.world account. So, here’s goes…
I’ve been feeling kind of stuck in my life, and wanted to see if any comrades had experienced anything similar or know folks who have. My main difficulty is that I only realized and accepted that I’m bi after my wife was pregnant. This is a problem for me because my wife is strictly monogamous. When we last discussed things, she flat out said that she couldn’t accept me being with anyone else, even if the relationship was strictly sexual.
And I’m torn here. On the one hand, I love my wife very deeply and absolutely don’t want to lose her. We’ve been together more than ten years, and she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. On the other hand, I have this nagging feeling that a big part of me is going unexplored and undeveloped, to the point I find myself inexplicably mad at my wife sometimes - I guess because I blame her for not “letting” me explore this other side of me.
And about feeling stuck, I know I need to tell her how important this is to me, and to ask again if there’s any way at all we can deal with it together. But when we’ve discussed it previously, multiple times, I dealt with it poorly and hurt her very badly. I just don’t know if she can take another round of the same damn thing, and I’m very reluctant to try and have it turn out badly yet again.
Again, I’d especially appreciate hearing from folks who’ve been through similar situations, or at least know people who have.
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You can’t talk people who aren’t down for that kind of thing into ethical nonmonogamy. That just doesn’t work. Trying it repeatedly is already bad enough, don’t go for another round of this.
I also think the whole “i would keep other relationships entirely sexual” thing would be a really bad start. A lot of poly people consider it a red flag when somebody wants to date them under that kind of premise, knowing that they’re intended as a side gig to a serious relationship. What if they develop feelings for you? What if you develop feelings for them?
Also, the idea that bi people “need to explore” and can’t be in a monogamous relationship is a really shitty biphobic stereotype, honestly makes this entire post come off as a poorly thought out troll. You do not have to sleep with every gender you’re attracted to to understand your sexuality.
Thanks for this, it means a lot. I also have felt like there’s no talking her into any kind of ethical nonmonogamy. If she was open to it at all, she would have said so before, right? Revisiting the topic will only open old wounds.
That said, I still don’t know what to do with the feelings I have. I’ve been attracted to others in the past, sometimes very strongly, and it will probably happen again. And not acting on those feelings at all (or not even expressing them) feels like I’m suppressing that part of myself. That’s what I think I’m really struggling with.
how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife? what you do there should translate exactly to what you do with how you feel about attractive men
bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men. that’s also if you’re okay with her talking about being attracted to men who aren’t you which I assume you’d be open to given your stance on non-monogamy.
how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you’re attracted to women who aren’t your wife?
I acknowledge the feelings, but often feel frustrated that I can’t act on them. I unfortunately had very little sexual experience with other women before my wife.
bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men.
this is a bit of a tricky one for us…she’s fine telling me when she thinks other guys are cute or hot, but only because she’s never been strongly attracted to anyone else…whereas if I mention finding a guy cute, the next question would be “do you want to sleep with them?”, and any answer other than “no, not at all” will end up hurting her.
It’s weird that they’d ask, but it would be kinda weird for you to say, “yes”, also. Just because I find people attractive doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but my girlfriend. Maybe monogamy isn’t for you?
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That’s a great point I hadn’t considered.
Yeah I won’t dogpile here but when you commit to monogamy with someone you are agreeing to suppressing certain desires you might have down the line. That certainly appears to be how she understood your commitment to her. Even with my spouse there are things I do not ask for or expect because I know they do not like those things.
I sympathize with feeling like you didn’t get to explore your sexuality, I was raised by fundamentalists, there are things I will not get to know about my sexuality most likely. But my life is so enriched by my marriage I cannot imagine exchanging it for the chance to explore myself further. I suspect, since you voluntarily started the process of making a family with your wife, that you get a lot of joy out of your relationship as well. Sometimes relationships require that we accept some limits on what we do.
Or maybe I have a quaint view of these things because of my upbringing, but that’s my thought for what it’s worth.
Wishing you best of luck with a tough time comrade.
Being bisexual doesn’t mean you can’t be monogamous, and realizing you’re bisexual shouldn’t mean you want to sleep with other people. I’m bisexual, but when I’m in a relationship I’m monogomous, and have no desire to do otherwise. Bisexuality and promiscuity aren’t related necessarily. So to me, it sounds more like you’d either prefer a non-monogamous relationship, in which case, you need to break up, period, or you just want us to help you convince her to let you cheat on her.
Yeah, I hope I didn’t imply that bisexuality and monogamy are mutually exclusive. I understand there not for a lot of people. But yeah, I guess I need to figure out what they mean for me.
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Uhh, yikes… I feel terrible for your wife.
You and me both.
Sounds like you need to do some serious self reflection and figure out just how important it is for you to not “feel stuck”.
I know. I’ve been in therapy for a while now, and have finally been confronting these feelings.
When you entered a monogamous marriage, that didn’t mean “monogamous unless it’s same-sex”. It’s not fair to ask that of your wife over and over if she’s already given you an answer.
Before you came to this self-realization, how would you have felt if your wife kept asking you if she could have sex with some guy at work and ignoring your refusals? That’s what you’re doing to her.
I understand feeling like there’s a part of you that will just never be fully explored. But this is really about whether you are willing to be in a monogamous relationship, regardless of what gender the other potential partners are.
Yeah, I remember thinking when we got married that I wouldn’t ever want anyone else. And I know she felt the same. So I have a lot of guilt over this that I haven’t known what to do about either.
It sounds a little bit like you’re looking for permission to cheat on your wife. I don’t think you’ll find that here. Hopefully there are healthier ways to explore your sexuality without betraying the woman you love (and the mother of your child(ren)).
It sounds a little bit like you’re looking for permission to cheat on your wife. I don’t think you’ll find that here.
Nah, I would’ve posted on Reddit if I wanted that kind of misogyny.
Hopefully there are healthier ways to explore your sexuality
This is definitely something I want to figure out.
Maybe try getting pegged by your wife before you make any drastic decisions. We have the technology.
Writing as a bisexual who gradually become gay. This is an acute price of commitment. I am very sorry you have not had the opportunity to explore your sexuality, or the knowledge of your bisexuality before reaching this level of commitment. At the same time, this is a more extreme and justifiable version of the thought “well, I haven’t been with X, Y, and Z sort of women yet and I wish I could explore.”
As others have pointed out, repeatedly asking for nonmonogamy is just going to cause tension and insecurity and ultimately a lot of pain for all involved. The core questions now are 1) are you fulfilled by your relationship with your wife? 2) can you be satisfied with not exploring your bisexuality through sex with other men? and 3) what are some other avenues for exploring and finding greater sexual fulfillment which maintain the boundaries of your relationship with your wife?
From my limited perspective, it seems like questions 1 and 2 are the ‘dealbreakers’ and answering question 3 is the beginning of a positive solution. I strongly encourage you to reflect on this question, and also the positives of your relationship with your wife. It’s important to not ‘miss the donut for the hole’ in the light of your recent awakening.
Congratulations on becoming queer! It’s a wonderful thing, and you might find a lot of inspiration or direction in your current relationship by finding queer community and reading about the queer experience more broadly. You might find more comfort in your existing relationship by developing a queerer dynamic. Good luck!
Thanks for this. Those three questions really are the core issues I need to think about. And agreed on finding queer community as well. That’s what I’m starting for the first time here!
Glad it was helpful!
It might be worthwhile to explore internalized queerphobia you hold. I started a journaling group here, but it did not take off too much.
either this is a big enough issue for divorce or its not, that seems like the relevant question you need to ask yourself and think about the ramifications of.
staying together doesn’t (or shouldn’t) necessarily mean you have to suppress or deny your sexuality, bi people aren’t necessarily poly, but it seems to my unexperienced self like you are looking for a way out, like you aren’t really satisfied and are together out of a sense of obligation, habit, or fear that you won’t find another relathionship thats as satisfying, or genuine concern for your children.
i’m probably aromantic and unexperienced in sexual relationships though, just my 2 cents after witnessing people’s long term relationships go sour around me.
Yeah, maybe I’m trying to have it both ways, I don’t know. I can’t imagine my life without my wife, but sometimes I feel like it’s not really “mine” while we’re together. I guess I want to feel like I’m being true to myself and not denying what I feel, and that’s been hard for me for a while now.
buy your wife a strap on or something, ask her to fuck you if it’s so important to you
