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Even though you’re in the top 0.1%, under no circumstances should you hire a hitman.
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Have some elaborate and complicated plan to create an alibi. It should involve changed clocks around or having everyone think you’re there when you’re really not. The more intricate your alibi plan is, the better. All of those 30 steps in your plan will go perfectly.
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You’re gonna kill the closest person to you, either your spouse, your parent, or your best friend.
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Spend under 5 seconds feeling sad that the closest person to you is now dead. Get back to what you were doing before the murder. Let everyone know that you’re a happier version of yourself before that person died.
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Befriend in the warmest possible way the head investigator for the murder you just did. Let the guy into your home and offer him any courtesy and assistance that you can provide. Let him get cigar ash all over your personal space.
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Let the police search your home at all hours. Never insist on a warrant. Talk to the cops like you would your family. Never demand your right to have a lawyer present.
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After the homicide department has discovered a few inconsistencies in your story, just confess the murder immediately. Accept that you’ll spend the rest of your life in jail, there’s not point in fighting.
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Look that pig in the eye that got you a long jail sentence with profound love
Sorry I just binge watched seasons 1-5
Don’t forget to act surprised when Columbo figures out exactly how the murderer carried out the act, then carefully offer up alternative theories to divert the focus of the investigation away from you (which is doomed to fail, Columbo will either tear your theory to itty bitty shreds or just pretend to accept it and come after you harder)
I’d like to think that if I was trying to be a bystander to a crime, if a cop asked me random questions about the investigations, I’d answer “dude, why the fuck are you asking me?!?”. Not “oh maybe it was cloudy that day” and suggest you have more foresight about the crime than a normal person should.