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Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: June 16th, 2023

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  • Ready to jump off of a fucking cliff.

    • Last week, Roommate loses extraordinary amount of money to a scammer. We ended up behind on rent and were served an eviction notice. Dealing with a rent bank now.

    • Last week is also my 31st birthday and I end up having a gout flare up. Because you know. That’s fun. I usually have to walk with a cane because of a worthless knee but now I get to add a worthless foot on the other leg so yay.

    • Couldn’t afford food or medication or really anything. Not as much of a problem at the moment but the stress still exists and having to plan for next month when the same situation is likely going to happen.

    • This morning I got off the toilet and put pressure on the wrong part of my foot. Instant agony and I shift balance to the other foot but it’s not in a position to support my weight. Grab for something to steady myself and all I grab is the toilet seat which gets part of it ripped off of the toilet. So now I have to buy a fucking toilet seat as well. I am hobbling right now. It takes me 30 seconds to move to the bathroom which is next door to my bedroom. Normally that’s like… 3 seconds. So god knows when i’ll be able to go out and get a toilet seat. So that’s gonna end up with me positioned weirdly for the next week until this dies down.

    • New chest pain that is not fun and god knows what the fuck is happening there but I can’t see a doctor about it anytime soon. It’s not 911 level of emergency. It’s more of a nagging thing that comes and goes and feels muscular but still.

    • What is scary is heart has been doing a thing. Beating it’s own samba every now and again.

    • I wrote myself into a corner with my DnD campaign and now I don’t know what the fuck to do. We have a session tonight which will be finishing up a oneshot from before but still. I don’t know what i’m gonna do and I can’t think straight.

    Please someone put me out of my misery.





  • I’ma be real, it’s a mixed bag. A lot of things have gone drastically wrong, even one going so far as to make me unable to walk. Yet I’ve had like two things that shocked me and made life slightly more tolerable.

    Mostly I just want a hug. Was my birthday a couple days ago and I realized it’d been 13 years since I’ve had a hug. Broke me a little.




  • Honestly I don’t care if I’m a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I’m a shitty person now but I don’t really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.

    As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won’t know until this downhill slope tapers off.



  • I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to ‘enjoy’ something. Don’t think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn’t care less what it is that I’m doing or watching. Only as long as it works.

    As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won’t break. I don’t want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to have to find out that I’m strong. Why can’t I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it’s only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?

    Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn’t living though. I’ve tried to end my own life and I’m too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.





  • It isn’t.

    If you weigh the good that organized religion provides compared to the bad it outputs then it’s not even a question. Note that I say organized religion. Individual religion is not a problem but the second that you’re actively trying to influence various people, or governments, around the world? Then you’re just a cult with a franchise. Not to mention the fact that if you’re using your religion as a guide as to how you should feel about people different than you? Well you’re probably a bad person.

    As a gay dude I’ve only seen people use religion as a justification for their hate of me. I’ve seen church people change their minds when they found out I was gay and in need of help.