Learn to code, everybody said. There’s so many jobs, and they pay well. Dumbass me fell for the bait. Graduated with a degree in computer science a year and a week ago. Didn’t get any internships because I didn’t realize how important they are. Graduated with a 2.3 GPA because I always heard people don’t care about your GPA once you graduate. If you’re generous and cut out the hours from when I failed out of college the first time, it’s a 2.6.

I’ve applied to over a thousand jobs by now. Almost entirely entry level, but I took shots at some nonspecified experience level postings once I got more desperate. I’ve managed to get two interviews. To add insult to injury, one of the interviewers said that their main concern with me was that I’d move on to a new job in a year or two. I couldn’t do that if I wanted to, man. I’m so burnt out on how bad applying for shit sucks when I know most of these companies are throwing my application in the trash in less than 5 seconds.

I’ve been able to stay stable so far. I live with my parents, who are the best parents I could ever ask for. They’re understanding, supportive, and want to help how they can. No worries on the living expenses front, at least, but it’s not a situation that can last. In the long term, obviously, they’re not gonna be around forever. In the short term, it’s just going to drive me completely insane. I’ve used my leftover student loans and a generous graduation gift from my uncle for the non-essential stuff and managed to limit my spending to about $100 a month, but the well will dry up on that front, too.

All this is to say that I don’t think I can get a job with my degree. A year long gap is a bad sign on an already weak resume. Soon it’ll be as good as if I had never gone to school in the first place after I spent years forcing myself through math classes I tore my hair out over (why was this 75% of my degree again?) I’ve tried doing some independent game development to maybe transition in that direction, but I can’t force myself to do it because the whole time I just feel like I’m wasting time I should be spending looking for a “real” job. My parents have frequently encouraged me to go get a master’s while I wait for the job market to improve. After telling them for months that I didn’t want to sink any more money in education (read: training) until it showed some returns, I caved and started looking into grad programs. Looks like I couldn’t do it if I wanted to because lmao 2.3 GPA. I’m confident I could get a great score on the GRE, I’ve always done pretty fantastic on that kind of test. It’s the one academic skill I have that I can brag about, honestly. But the GRE for Math would kick my ass into next week, and I’m pretty certain most MS in CS programs would want me to take it.

So I can’t get a job in my major, I’m too neurotic to do anything on my own, my grades are too shit to get a graduate degree. I’m 28 now and not getting any younger. I’m beyond sick of being dependent on others. But what else can I do? Service jobs suck tremendously and don’t pay enough for me to live off of anyways, especially around where I live. It’d be equivalent of choosing to live in poverty. Every road seems closed off to me. I don’t know what I can do to make my way through life and I feel like even if I did, I’d be too much of a coddled loser to take that path.

Sorry for turning it into a blog, I’m basically just some random failson whining. Anybody relate?

Edit: Thanks for the replies, everybody. Feeling a little bit less down. Probably gonna try and make some contributions to a FOSS project and get a job at a grocery store or something while I still live at home.