CW Rant with some discussion of familial trauma, religion, mention of substance use
I drove over 6 hours to see them and be present for the holidays and they went out of their way to cross my boundaries and make me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be rude when they put me on the spot so I read the verses they wanted to humor them, but then they asked me to lead a fuckin prayer. They are aware I’m an atheist and resent that fact; I try to respect their beliefs but they push theirs onto me like this. I said a short prayer to get out of this whole situation and my mom started crying and smiling huge like I was just converted. Feel so weird and gross about this. They roped my partner into participating too and they’re of the same mind as me on these things so it made us both uncomfortable and anxious.
This incident was just icing on the cake of a trip full of my emotionally abusive mother starting constant arguments, my family trying to get me to drink knowing I’m sober, and being around my siblings one of whom is I’ll just say an abusive shithead. I don’t think I’ll bother going next year. I recall vividly why I was hyped to move out and why I don’t call more often. The neglect, manipulation, and abuse of years in that household all came flowing back. No wonder i deal with so much mental health shit lol
Edit: sorry if initial phrasing doesn’t convey the reason the prayer got me but it’s because I left Christianity due to the institutional abuses I experienced and witnessed, not just because I’m not religious these days. I just got put on the spot and due to family history went fight or flight and compromised my needs to get out of there asap. Really just needed to vent abt this didn’t want to spark confusion or debate sorry
Sorry for the rant just wanted to vent to my cool internet stranger friends
that sucks. :( finding and cultivating a chosen family as an alternative to a family of origin has been a source of resilience for me, though it does make my biological family feel entitled to judge me and be shitty to me as it suits them. I guess because my lack of consistent presence in their lives does not grant them some level of affirmation to which they feel entitled. that must mean my life is easy. because obviously it’s so easy to make new friends in distant lands and build new connections when you’ve had to unlearn bad habits and reconcile habits’ origins in trauma.
I console myself with the knowledge that they are all doomed to live with each other until the most bitter end, enabling destructive patterns, manipulating each other for zero sum gains, making each other miserable, because they literally alienate everyone else they know and only have each other and the people they pay to clean their messes and smile and nod at their stories.
I used to try and fight for some kind of honest line of communication to be maintained, but it’s become hard to see the point anymore. integrity? is that when I am being held to a higher standard while they can be hippocrites and blame me for their feelings of persecution because I am protecting myself from further abuse? its maddening in the moment when I am actively and suddenly having to resist being pulled in. but when I am back in my life, working my little modest public sector job, sticking to my little budget and unassuming life of pursued contentment, I can see the absurdity in 3 self absorbed, wealthy and comfortable people all fighting for the throne of eternal martyr. in a mansion. in a gated community. with maid service, a continually stocked fridge and near constant vacations to distant lands with weak currencies.
then I can just eye roll to myself, keep doing what I’m doing and not get pulled into the court intrigue of a petite bourgeoisie house in gerontocratic decline.
I think about that one line a lot. the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. the precarity of our economic context makes the power dynamics have much higher stakes, unfortunately… but maybe they also make the hard fought for freedom taste sweeter?