It’s ruining my life. And the irony is it’s the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that’s the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
Drinking is known to be very difficult to quit. There are in my mind three or four steps that seem to work. 1. Depending on your level of dependency you will likely need medical support as withdraws can actually cause probelms that need to be treated. 2. Figuring out the underlying untreated issue that let alcohol dependency become a problem and get treatment for that. 3. Start smoking a bunch of weed.